He's the One thing.

this might end up being one of those posts that i regret publishing so quickly, without reading it over and over, but sometimes just writing when you can feel all the feelings the strongest is the best way to express yourself.

i started this year with grandiose plans to change the way i saw money, and stuff and spending. i set out to embark on this challenge i saw on lara casey's blog. i even wrote half a post about how i'm not buying anything new and i'm not eating out, planning to post it with all its glorious details in january for the world wide web to see.

but as you may have noticed, its now february and i have posted no such thing. it never felt right. i never could find the words that did it justice, but still sounded like me.

that's changed. and so here i sit in mcconn, at 11pm on a monday finally realizing what God wanted to teach me through this whole contentment challenge. finally realizing that the details matter less and the lesson matters most.

He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever.

i was scrolling through instagram for the one zillionth time yesterday and saw a post about a family who had been affected by mold and was losing a lot of their possessions. i didn't have time to really read about it then, and i was sad for them, but i didn't understand the weight of their situation until i had time to read through their blog just now.

to give you the short version, they've been living in a house with toxic black mold for a long time and it is costing them everything. unborn babies. their home. their health. their wealth. their lives, maybe. every single possession they own. gone. given away or destroyed.

and i know deep down in my heart that this challenge i'm giving myself of spending less and wanting less and giving away more is so small in comparison to this battle they're fighting. and i know i don't fully understand the pain they feel. for me, it was a choice. for them, it's out of their control.

i sat in mcconn and cried as i read their story. and i told my friend about it as i got some tea from mcconn, and he said his family went through a mold situation when he was 10, and  then it got more real and i cried a little bit more. because i realized what He's been saying more fully and clearly than i ever had before.

He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever. 

the only thing we get to take to heaven is what we can fit in our brains and hearts and spirits and souls. we don't get to take anything else. i've heard people say, "you can't take a suitcase to heaven!" probably a thousand times, but still i acquire a bunch of stuff. a little shopping here, a little shopping there and soon my closet is busting at the seams and i'm sitting on piles and piles, drawers and drawers, boxes and boxes of stuff that doesn't. even. matter.

the Lord is constantly asking me to check my heart and challenge me in how content i am. when i'm scrolling through pinterest and see something i want to buy. when i want to get new spring clothes. when i want to try new makeup. when i want to buy new prints for my wall because my favorite etsy shop is having a sale. when my friend gets a cool new thing and i want one too.
He whispers in the gentlest way,

"where's your treasure?"

and i say, "its in You!"

but until this very moment i didn't even get what that really means. i didn't understand what it meant to really give up everything. to really hold everything loosely in my hands.

i think contentment is a choice. being content is making a choice to believe everything the Lord has given you for right this second is enough. it's choosing to believe that none of it is yours anyway and that every single thing you call "yours" could be taken away from you in exactly one second. it sounds dramatic, i guess, but really its just reality. contentment is choosing to believe that everything you have and don't have doesn't matter as long as you have the Lord. as long as He's still good, its enough. He's enough.

would i give it all up? would i give it all away? would i hand a stranger every dollar i had on me if i thought they needed it? no strings attached? would i give away something i loved, knowing i'd never be able to replace it, if He asked me to? would i give my iphone away? would i empty my bank accounts for someone else who needed it?

i know there are people who think i'm a little crazy. a little radical maybe. but doing what Jesus told us to do isn't radical, its just obedience. He wasn't unclear when He said it may cost us everything to follow Him. He wasn't asking the disciples to be radical when He told them to leave everything and follow Him, He was just asking them to be obedient, to trust Him. i don't think there is any such thing as "radical christianity" or "radical giving." there is just normal obedient christianity. and normal obedient giving. (and no, i don't want to debate about that with you.)

He's just asking me to be obedient. to hold it all loosely. to fix my eyes right on His face and stop worrying about the rest. to stop wanting anything more than Him. i don't pretend like that's easy. and i don't pretend like i'm very good at it. but i don't want to pretend like its not what He's asking me to do, either.

heidi baker once said, "my only regret is that when i see Him, i'll have held something back that i could have lavished." what a way to live. regretting only that you could have gave more.

i also want to say that i'm certainly not saying this is what He is asking you to do too, i don't want that responsibility. but i hope you'll understand more clearly that it's all about Him, not just in the end, but right now too.

because He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever. 

ko.

maybe i'm being dramatic | a premature post about graduating

it hits me most when i'm driving.

i love to drive in the car by myself. music up and windows down if its warm enough. this year i've driven a lot. mostly back and forth to upland for church and practicum and friends.

i've made that drive millions of times. making my mark on the town as i'm making my mark on the road. growing my love the for little strips of life each town holds as i've made my way to Upland day after day, week after week. knowing just the time that the sun would be dipping behind the trees and cornfields i have grown so familiar with. knowing exactly when those fields wouldn't hold corn any longer but just a distant memory of it.

always thinking about the the I-69 travelers who would be beckoned off the highway and onto an exit by the towering starbucks sign, unaware of the memories i've made and friendships i've built at those wooden tables. not knowing that for them it was a pit stop and for me it was home.

i never realized how risky it was to build roots. and how painful it would be to dig them back up. i failed to recognize the danger in using "my" in front words like church and walmart and starbucks and home as if they'd be mine forever.

my church.
my walmart.
my starbucks.
my community.
my home.

i didn't think time would really run out or that bags would really be packed for a final time. i never thought the time would come that i'd just be a visitor again, beckoned back by more than starbucks, but a visitor nonetheless.

leaving community is really hard. it has been so long that i've had to completely uproot from a place i've grown so familiar with, so i've forgotten the grief that comes with it. i guess its a good thing that i've learned to love this place, this community, this home, so much. but it doesn't make it any easier to leave.

"you're in college, kimberly! of course you found community!"
fine, but this sure wasn't the one i was expecting. i couldn't have even asked for a group of people who push me and love me and disciple me and laugh with me so well. but the reality is that's what i got. and in 66 days i have to leave it. i have to say goodbye to the people who love me so well.
the church that loves me so well.
the people who choose to see others through the eyes of Jesus.
the people who honor others.
the people who make sharing meals and laughs together a priority and sacrifice for it.
the people who rejoice in testimonies.
the people who will give up their weekends to do ministry for another ministry thats going to a different church in another state.
the people who make you your own pan of food because they know you don't like beans.
the people who drive 4 hours round trip to see you for less than 10 minutes.
the people who tell you where the spare key is.
the people who you've only know for a year but feel closer to than people you've known for a decade.
the people who forgive.
the people who show grace.
the people who trust in Jesus and believe He is who He says He is.
the people who hear His voice.
the people who are family.

how do you say goodbye to that? how do rip yourself out of that community just because you've been handed a diploma?

not once did i ever think i would find myself so deeply rooted in a community that i would want to stay in the cornfields of indiana for it, but thats what these friends, this church has become for me. the loveliest community i've ever known. with its own problems and issues sure, but with a great enough love to work through them.

"can i stay?" is a question i've asked approximately 400 times, but the answer, "not right now" hasn't changed.

and so i soak in these last 65 days. pondering and treasuring each moment of them in my heart. which is cheesy, but true.

lately, anytime i've gathered around a table with a group of my friends i cry or almost cry because i love it so much. bittersweet tears acknowledging the reality that it will be over all too soon.

i prepare to say goodbye. i prepare to pack up. i prepare to drive towards Upland one last time, stopping just short of it and getting on the highway, headed towards my other home.


indiana, you have my heart.
ko.

choose Him | my first "sermon"

this.

this right here, posting this on the internet, is perhaps one of the most frightening things i have ever done. perhaps even more frightening than actually "preaching" this "sermon". i use quotation marks around those words because i read my "sermon" sitting in a stool in front of my class rather than actually preaching it like the rest of the class. it didn't really feel like preaching. it felt more like an out of body experience in which i was observing myself speak too quickly and tap my foot too often. 

but my outfit was cute. and i got a good grade. and i didn't throw up.

#winning

this sermon was for my homiletics 1 class last semester. i took it, not because it was required, but because the professor coerced me into it. i'm glad i did it. i'm glad i don't have to do it again. i promised my mom (3 months ago) that i'd post it so she could read it. so here you go, mom.

i start to tear up a little when i read this. not because i'm emotionally moved by my own words, (awkward), but because i can't help but remember all the ways Jesus moved to make it possible. i had called it quits on writing this sermon, so frustrated with my lack of ability to actually write a sermon, when suddenly i had paragraph after paragraph of words running through my head. i have a feeling Jesus put them there. God bless Him. 

also, my professor and classmates gave me lots of good feedback on ways that i could improve this sermon, but this is the version i presented in class. so it seems right to post this one. this version is also unfortunately full of capitalized letters and grammatically correct sentences, which is a total bummer, but hopefully you (i) will live. there are a couple places where it is really text, as in Scripture, heavy. don't give up. just push through it. 

insert awkward transition here. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

(you should know that this is not actually a picture of the red sea, but a picture of the dead sea. i have not visited the red sea, but i have visited the dead sea and since it was in israel, or the promised land as some like to call it, i decided i could use it. just go with it.)

I once read a story about an elderly woman from France who was stuck in her own bathroom for almost a month. Apparently, the lock broke after she shut the door, and she had no other way of getting out. She spent nearly a month living off of water from her sink and banging on the walls for help. When her neighbors finally realized she had been calling out, they called the police, who rescued her immediately. By this time, she was badly malnourished, but fortunately recovered just fine in the hospital. 

I wonder, sometimes, if this happens more often than we think it does.

I don’t necessarily think that hoards of people are getting trapped in their bathrooms for weeks on end, but I am pretty certain that there are a whole lot of trapped people wandering around the world. Most probably aren’t physically trapped, but there’s no doubt that they are stuck and they need a way out. 

I read another story once about over a million people being stuck in one place together. 

Exodus 14:19-31 reads,

Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel's army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.
The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. During the last watch of the night the LORD looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion.
He made the wheels of their chariots come off so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, "Let's get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt." Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen." Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen--the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea.
Not one of them survived.
But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.
That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. And when the Israelites saw the great power the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

Okay, so to catch us up to this point in the story we have to know where the Israelites came from. They had been in Egypt for 400 years as slaves. There were over a million of them so Pharaoh had gotten nervous, and ordered all the baby boys of the Israelites to be thrown in the Nile. But, one Israelite woman hid her son, and eventually put him in a basket in the Nile River where Pharaoh’s daughter found him. She then raises the baby, Moses, as an Egyptian, he ends up killing someone, finds out he isn’t really Egyptian, and runs away to the dessert. There the Lord calls him from a burning bush to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses puts up a fight, eventually gives in, and treks back to Egypt to talk Pharaoh into letting his free labor force go. Pharaoh says no, then yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes and eventually let’s them go only after God releases all kinds of horrible plagues on the Egyptian people. Now obviously that’s completely paraphrased and there are a lot of other details that make Moses’ whole story a miraculous one. But even still, here we find the Israelites after they’ve left Egypt and they’re camped around the edge of the Red Sea. 

Just a few verses before our passage the Israelites see the Egyptians pursuing them and they’re terrified. They cry out to the Lord saying “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?” 

They didn’t trust God. 

He had displayed His power with plagues and signs and He had delivered them out of Egypt. But the second opposition came towards them again, they were overwhelmed with fear and didn’t think they could trust Him. God responds to their cries in verse 13 and says, “Do not be afraid! Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and horsemen. The Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.” 

So Moses does what the Lord instructs him to do and the Red Sea parts in half.

You can’t just see a gigantic body of water split open right in front of your eyes and not immediately recognize the Lord as mighty. You can’t be surrounded by your greatest enemy and be moments away from defeat then have a miraculous way out, on dry ground no less, and still continue to think the Lord isn’t on your side. 

The Lord made a way out for them because they were His people. Because He had a promise to fulfill. He promised He would fight for them and He did. They couldn’t offer Him anything and they were about to be destroyed, but He said, “No, you are My chosen people and I’m going to save you and I’m going to show you that I’m for you. And even the Egyptians are going to recognize that I am Lord over all the earth because of the way I am fighting for you.” He was fully aware of every way they were going to betray Him in the future. He knew every idol they would place before Him and every time they would turn their back on Him but He saved them anyway. They were wrapped up in their fear and He stepped in, destroyed the Egyptian army and gave them a reason to put their trust in Him. He displayed His power and His might in a way they would never be able to forget and the Israelites looked back on it for thousands of years. He provided for them in this unforgettable way so that for years and years they could look back on the way the Lord chose them and protected them, and they could take that experience with the Lord and stand on it as a promise that He would do it again. He would provide for them again. He would keep His promises and He would never stop making ways for them. 

He parted the Red Sea not because He wanted the Israelites to be victorious, 

but, so that they could put their trust in Him, 

so that they would chose to follow Him, 

so that He could bring them into the Holy Land, 

so He could set the stage for Jesus to come in and make another way them, 

but not just a way into a Holy Land, 

a way into the Holy Place for eternity. 

He made a way.

He didn’t do it for them, He did it for Him. He did it so He could be with them in the end. The whole Bible is a story of God making ways for us so He can be with us. Because He loves us and He chose us and He’s still choosing us. He is still making a way for us and He is still wooing us into relationship with Him because He wants to be with us. And He wants to bring us out of the mindset of slavery and into the mindset of chosen children of the most high God. 

The Israelites were stuck, and they were afraid. The Lord made a way for them but they had to choose to walk into the freedom He was creating for them. Imagine it for a second; you’re standing on the edge of a sea with a million of your closest friends and over the course of a night the water parts right in half. The scripture says there was a wall of water on their right and on their left, so it’s not just like they’re cutting through the shallow end of a pool, they’re walking through a large body of water and they’re probably afraid. No one walks into something like this without some hesitation. What if the walls of water fell?

God creating a way for them didn’t make them any more free, it gave them options, sure, but until they walked through the sea with the water on their left and on their right, they were still trapped. They had two choices: they could let the fear of walking through a body of water overcome them and let the Egyptians conquer them, or they could choose to walk in the promise that God would fight for them and walk in faith that He had brought them this far and that He was on their side. 

For me, my fear? Where do I most easily struggle to trust that the Lord is on my side? It pops up in different ways at different times. Sometimes it’s feeling stuck in a social situation I’m not in control of. Sometimes it’s walking into new situations that I haven’t spent hours and hours researching. Maybe you feel stuck in your relationships. Maybe you feel stuck in your major or your living situation or your family or your job. Maybe you fear taking grain from this Book (the Bible) and making bread from it and feeding it to people and hoping it’s a good meal and that it’s honoring to the integrity of the Word and to the Holiness of Jesus. 

But no matter what our fear is, no matter which way we feel stuck, we have a choice to make. We can choose to sit in our fear or we can choose to listen to God when He says, 

“Hey daughter, 

hey son, 

I made a way for you. 

You don’t have to be afraid. 

I’m gonna give you the words to say. I’m gonna make the bread for you. I’m gonna get you through this social situation that brings out all sorts of anxiety in you. But you’re gonna have to trust me. You’re gonna have to walk through the sea. You can stay in your fear, and I’m still gonna love you, but I’ve made a way for you. So, follow me. Trust me.”

I don’t know what your Egyptian army is. I don’t know what you feel stuck in. but I do know that the Lord will make a way for you. The Lord will make a way for you that brings Him glory. Because it’s all about Him anyway. It was about Him when the Israelites crossed through on dry ground and it’s about Him when we’re seemingly stuck in our fear now. I don’t know which seas He is going to part or which ground we’re going to have to walk on, but He’s gonna make a way and we’re going to have to say yes to love and no to fear, and we’re going to have to follow Him into the sea. we’re going to have to choose freedom if we want to be free. He already made a way for us, but we’re going to have to choose it. Because He chose us. He chose you.

 He split the sea and He tore the veil and He chose you. And He’ll always keep on choosing you. 

So choose Him.

i'm not on the bandwagon this year.

the beginning of a new year to me is so very strange. it has a certain feeling of hope to it, hope for a fresh start and new routine, but also a certain sense of pressure, pressure to pick a word and commit to resolutions and form good habits. i've read around one thousand posts about words that people have chosen for the year or resolutions that they've made and i've been struggling to come up with anything for myself. don't hear what i'm not saying, i'm not making a judgment about words or resolutions, i'm just trying to explain how my vision for the year doesn't include a word or a resolution.

in reality, i could come up with several words that i could bend and twist and mold into what i think the Lord wants to do this year. i could pick faithful or trust or rest or risk or joy, or content, or i could say i'm gonna read my Bible all the way through 14 times or plan to go to the gym everyday (el oh el. like that would ever happen.). but the problem that i'm facing, which is a good problem to have i guess, is that i don't think i can fit what the Lord is going to do into one little word. because from the little bits of vision that He's given me already, it seems like His plans for 2014 are a million times bigger than what i can express in a word.

what a glorious thought.

what a beautiful thing to ponder on the reality that God wants to do more in our lives than what can be expressed by one or two or ten words.

i really did try to pick a word. i asked for one. even just now as i sat down to write this i said, Lord give me a word for the year. and you know what He said? He said, if you have to have a word, pick Jesus. 

He's so sassy sometimes.

so i'm not going to pick Jesus as my word, because i think its cheesy and i really don't like cheese, but i guess thats going to be my vision for the year. Jesus is going to be my vision for the year. because all those words, all those resolutions that i would come up with are meaningless unless they center around Jesus. faithful is about Jesus. trust is about Jesus. rest and risk and joy and content are about Jesus. even going to the gym is about Jesus because He wants you to take care of your bod, yo. its all about Jesus always only.

i feel like maybe those last few sentences maybe some people would disagree with, but its my blog and i don't care, so i'm leaving it.

so my vision is Jesus. i'm wordless. i'm resolutionless. but i've got my eyes set on Jesus. thats all i need.

ko.

2013: the year in which i was 35.7% successful.

you should know that i had to ask my high school sister how to do the math for that title. after trying several complicated problems to figure out what percentage of seven 2.5 is, she told me to just divide 2.5 by 7. duuuuuuuuuh kim. i really am smart, just in the untraditional way.

i'm sorry that i just spent a whole paragraph talking about math. but i felt this was the best way to pretend that i measure my success by how many new year resolutions i accomplish. really i couldn't care less about resolutions, but i figured i should probably write a follow up post since i blogged about them in january.

as you can tell by my lack of math, or lack there of, i was successful in 2.5 of 7 of my resolutions. considering i never.ever. do these, i feel good about this result. i guess. 

ONE: quit eating mcdonalds.

i didn't eat mcdonalds for the whole year, which yes, was as a painful as it sounds. i had it once in israel (it wasn't the same) and i had a shamrock shake or two, which i knew would happen.

----------> SUCCESS

TWO: complete a thirty for thirty. 

yeaaaaah, never did this. maybe this year. i'm making some changes in the wardrobe/clothes shopping areas, which i'll talk more about in another post, so i'm hoping to still do this at some point. 

----------> FAIL

THREE: read the bible in a year. 

didn't happen. "we don't read the bible to finish, we read the bible to change." thats what i remind myself. but i was talking to a mom today who said she had read through two different versions of kid versions with her daughter who is only like in 3rd grade, so that motivated me a bit to get my butt in gear. i think i'm going to try and tackle this in 2014 by reading the storybook bible by sally llyod-jones. yes i know its for children. gotta start somewhere.

----------> FAIL (but Jesus still loves me, so there.)

FOUR: drink some more water. like probs at least 2 nalgenes a day.

i tried really hard to drink a lot of water. i probably for sure drank more water this year than last year. but i certainly didn't drink 2 nalgenes a day because i'm not a horse, so i call this a partial success.

----------> A FOR EFFORT

FIVE: get back into some sort of regular physical activity.

i've been laying in bed for over a week watching netflix, so you tell me what you think the answer to this one is. i did take up rock climbing for a few weeks, but i wouldn't call that "regular"

----------> FAIL

SIX: save more than i spend.

i think i got even better at spending money this year than ever before. who knew that was possible! i have a big plan/experiment/scary thing planned for next semester to address this issue. i'll be talking about that in another post.

----------> FAIL

SEVEN: go to church.

i finally found a church i like in the mornings! after 2.5 years, i landed at exit 59 in the mornings and kingdom life church at night. i love both of them. i didn't do super well at going to exit 59 towards the end of the year, but i went all of spring semester, all of summer and a lot of fall semester. way to go self. 

----------> SUCCESS

overall, it was a really good year. i guess at some point i could review the actual year, or you could just read through my archives. :) 

there is still a lot of good things planned for the remainder of 2013, but 2014? she's gonna pack quite the punch. more on that soon!

ko.

fall and hope.

there comes a time in your blogging career when you don't blog for over a month and you realize that probably no one is reading anymore and that you're really stretching the truth a bit when you call yourself a "blogger." and then it becomes obvious that you're probably just blogging for yourself at this point and then you're reminded that you were supposed to be blogging for yourself all along and suddenly it unlocks a freedom to write about anything you want. all the thoughts swirling around your head are up for grabs and you can pick any one you fancy. so what brings me back to this dusty corner of the interwebs?

death.

the death of my blog maybe? no, but i guess anything is possible.

death has a way of making you stop dead in your tracks. it nails your shoes right to the place where they're standing and holds you down with its unwelcome self.

i've never felt like i had any place to talk about death. the thing about death is that it has such a certain uncertainty about it. it's so final, yet so unknown. there's a tension between the knowledge of a celebration and the reality of mourning. celebration, because someone is finally meeting their maker. glory to glory. face to face. but then there's the mourning: the thick, unavoidable, heavy, devastating mourning.

sometimes there's no celebration at all and we're stuck in the grief of a life lost forever.

you'd think i'd just lost someone close to me as much as i've thought about the concept of death lately. but i haven't. i've just seen and heard of a lot of it lately. it rips people apart and pulls others together. it brings us to tears and then shakes us with laughter as all the moments that made us love someone come flooding back.

we were talking about fall at work the other day and someone said that they absolutely hate fall. they hate watching everything die and wilt and end. i was almost offended, really, at their bluntness. i love fall, it's my favorite season, but i had never given any thought to all the death that happens in the fall season. everything, literally, dies. but at the exact same time, it's tragically beautiful and hope is falling all around us. yes, fall ushers us into a season of bitter and lifeless cold, but that hard season always, always, always births the most beautiful season of life. we rake up the dead leaves, we strap on our boots, we trudge through the cold and we bunker down for winter.

but then the snow melts. and the trees bud. the flowers bloom and faithful spring shows itself again.

i guess that's how i see death. it brings us grief and pain and tears and maybe we have to bunker down for a season of bitter cold. but knowing Jesus is knowing hope and spring always comes again. He always breathes new life and He's always getting glory and He's always working it together for His glory and our good. and in death is where we begin to appreciate the spring and the life and the knowledge that death isn't all there is. and this life isn't all there is. the hope is the certainty that one day we'll be glory to glory and face to face with the One who breathed life in us at the beginning of time. and we'll sing holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come and we'll never be in mourning again.

o death, where is your sting?
o hell, where is your victory?
oh church! come stand in the light!
the glory of God has defeated the night!

because that's the reality of the gospel. it scoops us up out of our mourning and our nailed down shoes and it gives us hope. it anchors us in the reality that Jesus defeated death 2000 years ago and in time, He'll call us back to Himself.

glory to glory. face to face.

ko.

well, hi.

oh i have a blog? you'd think i didn't know considering how often i've been posting. lately, i haven't even been able to find the motivation to read my favorite blogs. which, if you know me at all, is kind of saying a lot.

round 4 with this beautiful lady.

i love blogging. i love reading blogs. i love meeting bloggers. i love it all. it's my very favorite hobby that i've ever had. and a lot of my favorite parts of life are wrapped up in blogs. i love reading about adoptions and redeemed marriages and telling the devil to go to hell and crafting and being brave.  (ps. you should probably take a few hours and visit all of those links.)

#croppediphonepicture

but as much as i love seeing all of those stories unfold and as much as i feel like those ladies have become a part of my life, i'm starting to find some really beautiful stories unfolding in my own life. in the real, in person, right here, right now moments that take place around me every day. in fact, i'm sure these beautiful stories have been taking place for sometime, but i suddenly feel like i have new eyes to see them.

marge's birthday // first day of school with the roomie.

i will always love scrolling through instagram, reading blogs and writing blogs, but i'm not doing such a great job at it lately and i've had to give myself permission for that. because i'm living so much good, beautiful, uninstagramable life right now. it's a little bit weird that i'm even writing a blog about this, but i'm not joking when i say that the blog world is a substantial part of my life. i love the interwebs.

dirty dan's donut run.

who knew i'd also grow to love the tangled and beautiful web of people surrounding me. the ones i see everyday. the ones who know all the little corners of my mind and heart. the ones who i can do the wobble with on saturday night and carpool to church with on sunday night. the ones i go on dates with every monday night. the ones who i live with. the ones who i have to drive a few hours to see. the ones who speak life over me. the ones who i have class with. the ones who go to an old church with me in the middle of the afternoon just to play worship music.

the best and shortest visit from kelly and ashlyn.

the Lord has weaved the most perfect web of people for me as i'm starting my senior year. i'm going to do my best to document this last year, but more importantly i'm going to use my new eyes to see the life going on around me. because you know: clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.

ko.

the summer time lazies.

it's safe to say that i've reached full out summer mode. that means you can usually find me in spandex and a target boyfriend tee, lounging around watching my cat from hell and scrolling through pinterest on my phone. my face hasn't seen makeup in a week, except for the mascara i used on thursday in order to class up my running shorts and neon tank top look for dinner at olive garden. my hair is enjoying the extended break from products and the blowdryer, but i'm sure it wishes it could do something besides a messy bun. it takes quite a long time to talk myself into expending enough energry to make a smoothie, and pouring a bowl of cereal seems like running a marathon. lazy doesn't even begin to describe it. 

while i'm glad that i'm getting a relaxing summer break before the craziness of school starts up again, i'm officially halfway through the summer and don't feel like i have much to show for it. i have a pile of books i wanted to read, a long list of crafts to do, and a list of people to hang out with, but it seems as though time is quickly slipping through my fingers. it is easy to see pictures of people on facebook working at camps, studying abroad or traveling with their families and feel like they are being much more productive with their time, but i know that in reality, i have done some things too. 

there are bits of my brain that are ready to be back at school. those bits are the same ones that miss paige, these people, and my church at school. there is, of course, nothing wrong with home, but school starts to feel like the normal when you're there 2/3 of the year. home feels like a really long vacation without any sandy white beaches. 

i wish paige was here to give me a swift kick in the butt and help me plan out some purposeful days. she really is the best at that. paige. come help your cousin! the good news is that i am making a brief trip to IWU to help my friend, amanada, register for classes, so i will get to see my sweet paige in 11 days. 

i hope i can make it.

ko.

having a purposeful summer.

it's possible that i hate the word intentional. it drives me craaaazzzzzy. i have a huge long list of words that i don't like and intentional is one of them. to me, it is one of those overused words that people throw around all the time, but it doesn't have a lot of weight behind it because it's used so much. alllll of that to say, that's why i'm calling it a purposeful summer instead of an intentional. but i mean the same thing, except with some more weight and meaning behind it.

don't you think that summer gets away from you really quickly? i start off the summer thinking its going to be forever long and then it's gone in a flash. last summer, especially, was crazzzzzzzzy fast. so i've been thinking some about how important it is to be purposeful with my time and my goals and my to-do list.

the month of may was kind of a flop in the purposeful living area. i meaaaaan, it's possible that i didn't read my Bible at all, which isn't exactly commendable. (praise Jesus, He loves us even when we act too busy for Him.) so i've made a plan for the rest of the summer to avoid a repeat of may. the YouVersion iphone app has plan for reading the whole Bible in 90 days, so i'm giving that a try. maybe i've bit off more than i can chew, or maybe it will be great and wonderful and i'll have a shot at accomplishing one of my new years resolutions.

i've also made designated date nights with a friend from high school. hannah and i adore each other, but we are terribly good at letting the whole summer go by without seeing each other more than like once. it's dumb and we hate it. so, we made a plan this summer! it's working out well, except its making me poor and fat. okay, not fat, but i mean, i should probably quit eating donuts?

so, this is a summer full of purpose. i hope.
ko.

happy mommy's day.

hi mom.

happy mother's day. 

it's actually only january 27th. but i thought i'd write you a mommy's day blog now, schedule it, and then anxiously await its debut on actual mother's day. did you know that mommy's day isn't actually always on may 14th like i thought in my head that it was? it's true. 

you know how for christmas, aunt cindy gave each of us a charm with a picture in it? i'm not quite sure what to do with mine yet. i don't want to put it on my keychain in case it falls off. it's a bit too big to wear around my neck. and i'm nervous about it getting scratched. so, i'm still brainstorming what to do with it. anyway, today, i was examining it pretty closely and realized it is this picture:

instead of this picture:

both of these are from christmas 2010 and were sort of a long time ago, but one has you in it and one doesn't. and i a little bit wished the charm had the one with you in it. that's what inspired this ridiculously early mommy's day post. 

one time you asked me if i ever get homesick. i told you i don't, like ever. i think that hurt your feelings a little bit. good news though, mommy, i've gotten a little bit more homesick this year. i think it's a combination of my job being a little too much not what i was expecting and a little bit of me getting really sick of baldwin food. you make good food.

i haven't quite figured out what i am doing this summer. probably by the time this actually posts on the blog i will know, but as of january 27th, i have no idea. i could go to pine cove, i could go to alaska, i could go to kanakuk (let's be honest, that won't happen), or i could go all across the country with the school. all of those things are great opportunities that would benefit my future or whatever, but each time i think about them, this teensy little bit of me says "go home and hang out with mommy." maybe it's because it's my last real summer, and i know in my brain that probably i won't end up super close to home after i graduate. all my friends live sort of far away from kansas. it's so rude of them to make me decide between them and you. who knows where i will go. 

i think this might be the weirdest mommy's day blog post in the history of the entire universe, but i'm sort of weird, so it's okay, right? i thought it'd be best to finish off this little gem with all the things i like about you or learned from you. or some anyway. 

• you make good food. 
• you got me hooked on dark chocolate. especially this kind. you should know that i can't quite contain myself to only one a day like you can.
• you made me pay for my own school. this is a good thing because it enables me to laugh in the face of people who say things like, "i can't do that, my mom won't let me." and i'm like, "you're 21 years old. do what you want." and then they say, "my parents are paying for my school." and then i'm like, "sucker." thanks, mom.
• you make good food. 
• you think i'm awesome.
• you taught me how to make good smoothies. i will say, i think i have surpassed you in this area of life. i make a good smoothie. 
• you say things like, "i don't know why they wouldn't hire you, you're the obvious choice." naturally it is impossible for you to know that i'm the obvious choice if you don't know any of the other choices. but that's fine, you're my biggest fan.
• you let me do things just to figure out i don't like them for myself.
   example: lifeguarding. that was dumb. 
• you never baught <- i just want you to know that i just tried to spell "bought" with an "a". apparently you didn't teach me to spell. 
• .... you never bought me a cake from the store for my birthday. bless you woman. people always get so excited when they see cake from the store, and i'm always wondering why they want to eat a dry sponge with some nasty frosting on it. you make the best birthday cakes. i am now a self-proclaimed cake snob. i just can't eat the store bought stuff. make me some cake mom. 
• you always think my christmas presents are the bee's knees. even when i give them to you like, you know, a week late. i have run out of presents to make you cry though. sorry.
• you let me go to school really far away cause you knew it was what was best for me even though i think you nearly died without me. i tend to have that effect on people.

mommy, i do have a complaint about you though. you refuse to mail me spaghetti sauce at school. i'm not sure why this is such a big request considering you are obsessed with me. come on. i just want some so bad. i mean you could AT LEAST offer to give me the recipe. you have my mailing address. i expect some spaghetti sauce soon. 

happy mommy's day, mommy. thanks for birthing me. 

your very most favoritest daughter ever. 

kimberly.

lent. lint. whatever.

today is lent. or i suppose some people like to call it ash wednesday. tomato, tomatoe. whatever.

usually, i give up facebook or instagram or internet on my phone for lent. you know, lots of things that i am addicted to. i am fine without them for 40 days and then i spend 4 hours on facebook on easter. pointless? i'd say so. plus, i'm trying to be better about my social media habits anyway. and i think it is better to work on it instead of just get rid of it for an insignificant amount of time and then get right back to it when my time is up.

so this year, i thought i'd do something a little different. there is this book called early to rise. i actually haven't read it, but from what i've gathered, the whole idea is that you go to bed a little earlier and then get up a little earlier. maybe when i lose steam in this endeavor, i'll read the book.

anyway. this year for lent i'll be getting up at 6am every morning. i'll also be aiming for bed at 11pm. yaaaaaaa.

this will add 2-3 hours to my day everyday. it will make my mornings more calm. it will be a good discipline and a good habit to start. or i will die. it could go either way.

a friend of mine, trisha, is going to do it with me. she was hesitant about it until she figured out she could use it for one of her classes. i don't care what her motivation is, i'm just glad she's doing it. we are going to facetime each other when we wake up to keep each other accountable and because i wasn't thinking when i suggested letting someone look at my crusty self at 6am. #yolo.

we can pretty much do whatever we want when we wake up. i plan on doing a combo of devos, blog reading, book reading, mcconn going. BUT NO HOMEWORK. i don't want to do homework in the morning. that would be the opposite of helpful in the area of procrastinating. 

there are a few exceptions to our 6 am rule, which i will now list here:

:: when we are on duty or have covenant, (RA biznass) then it is okay if we don't get to bed by 11 cause, well, we aren't allowed to. 

:: when we are on duty, we don't have to get up until 7am the next day instead of 6. (we have to stay up until 12-12:30 when we are duty, so that is why we get an extra hour.)

:: saturday we can sleep til 8:30. 

:: sunday trisha is going to sleep until 7. i'll probably wake up at 6. 

this could be wonderful or it could be terrible. i'll let you know. 

............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

on another note, i'm going to start putting a song at the end of each post. hopefully it will always be a youtube video. i'll give it my best try. i usually get fixated on one particular song for a few days, so i think it will be fun for me to look back on my posts and see what i was listening to at that time. 

love love love.

ko.

whom shall i fear.

i have been listening to this song by chris tomlin on repeat all day. i sort of love it. i especially like this acoustic version.

You hear me when I call 
You are my morning song 
Though darkness fills the night 
It cannot hide the light 

Whom shall I fear 

You crush the enemy 
Underneath my feet 
You are my sword and shield 
Though troubles linger still 

Whom shall I fear 

I know who goes before me 
I know who stands behind me 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

The one who reigns forever 
He is a friend of mine 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

My strength is in Your name 
For You alone can save 
You will deliver me 
Yours is the victory 

Whom shall I fear 
Whom shall I fear 

I know who goes before me 
I know who stands behind me 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

The one who reigns forever 
He is a friend of mine 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

And nothing formed against me shall stand 
You hold the whole world in Your hands 
I'm holding on to Your promises 

You are faithful 
You are faithful 
You are faithful 

I know who goes before me 
I know who stands behind me 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

The one who reigns forever 
He is a friend of mine 

The God of angel armies 
Is always by my side 

that's all for today.

ko.

this is where i'm talking to myself.

i haven't blogged in two weeks. or showered. just kidding on one of those. 

the bff came to visit and i just didn't feel like blogging despite the fact that i have an entire list of things to blog about. interestingly, this post is about none of those things. 

i have an iphone. obviously. i love my iphone. like, maybe borderline-addiction-love my iphone. i love that the world is literally at my fingertips. oh what's that? you don't know the name of that guy from that one show that had the brown hair and said that one thing 3 years ago? let me google that for you. 

courtney is one of my most honest friends. that is why she is my bff. she could also throw her phone out the window, never pick it up again and be fine. so we're sort of different. a few times while she was here she said, "you are attached to your phone." or "why don't you just put your phone down." and the first time i was like, i am not. and then the second time i wanted to punch her (sorry court.) and then after a few more times i started really actually thinking about punching her, okay, fine. actually i started thinking about why she kept saying this over and over and over. it couldn't be because i'm addicted to my iphone. 

i can come up with 4 gagillion excuses why it's okay that i am so attached to my phone. i can justify the enormous amount of time i spend on it because i'm "staying connected with friends" and "being available to my girls" and "keeping up to date with what's going on in the world" and "promptly responding to emails." and while all those things are fine and great and whatever and there really are people who i can only connect with over instagram and twitter, when i'm saying yes to all of those things, i'm saying no to lots of other things. i'm saying no to being fully present, fully listening, and fully soaking in the time i have with the fleshy people in front of me. 

there is this phrase i've been hearing lately "fear of missing out" or FOMO. this article said that FOMO "can feel like an uncontrollable yearning to be two or more places at once, fueled by the fear that missing out on something could put a dent in your happiness, status, or career."  In the same article, a psychologist, Arnie Kozak, Ph.D., says, "FOMO happens when we invalidate the experience we're having because we're obsessed with the ones we're not having." and really, truly, honestly, FOMO fuels my iphone addiction. i'm afraid of what i'm missing out on in virtual life so much that i'm seriously missing out on real life. 

this post from emily ley and this post and this post from gina zeidler also helped me see the light on this issue. (am i writing a research paper right now? haha.)

whenever me and courtney see each other, we always pull out our calendars and pick another time to see each other. usually this is great and wonderful and makes saying goodbye 100 times easier because we know we can hang out again in a month or so. it didn't really work that way this time and it turns out i won't see her again until the end of april which just sucks all kinds of ways. that realization helped me to really see what a time waster i am. i had only a few days with her and i spent a lot of it on my phone. next time will be different.

i followed gina's advice and moved/deleted some things on my phone. i deleted most of the short cuts on my google chrome toolbar and i'm trying to be present when i am with people.

i gave myself some lofty goals the other day that i have already failed at achieving, but i guess it's less about the goals and more about the reasons behind it.

"check instagram, facebook, and twitter only once per day. you must get over the fear of missing out. you are missing out on entirely more in your real, active, present life by checking these things than you are missing out on by checking them constantly. your life is whizzing by in front of you and around you. don't miss it."

hello life.
ko.

new years resolutions or something.

wellllllllll, i'm back from kentucky. the youth conference was great. totally different from previous years because of my different role. also different because i felt under ze weather the whole time. i think i have strep throat. awesome. no better way to end christmas break than with a nice case of strep throat. 

anyway. i never make new years resolutions. mostly because i never follow through on them. but also because i think its pretty stupid to wait until the new year to pursue change in life. this may also be just an attempt to cover my lack of follow through in this area. oh well. 

so, i didn't think i would even make it midnight last night on account of my illness and utter exhaustion. and also the two dramamines i took in the morning. but i was awake until 3am and decided to write some resolutions. and now for your nosey pleasure, i share those here. 

ONE: quit eating mcdonalds. 

this is real. i have a love affair with mcdonalds. am i embarrased about it? no, in fact i feel bad for you that you are missing out on the deliciousness that is a mcdonald's cheeseburger with fries on it. but, it really isn't probably all that good for you. i mean, don't take my word for it, i am the girl who watched super size me and then wanted a cheeseburger afterwards. regardless, mcdonalds is off my menu. the exception to this rule is my annual shamrock shake with paige on reslife letter day.

TWO: complete a thirty for thirty. 

i first saw this on kendi everyday over a year ago and have wanted to do it since then. but of course i needed to acquire better clothes before this would be possible. which is the exact opposite point of this challenge. so i'm going to just get on with it and give it a go in probably february. i want to be more grateful for what i already have and quit wearing sweatpants to class. i love sweatpants. 

THREE: read the bible in a year. 

i have been trying to do this since 7th grade. so like 9 years. i have failed every time. leviticus always gets me. it's just so boring. and dry. and boring. and dry. and also i'm lazy. and don't want to get up early to read or stay up late to read. and i am good at making excuses like i spent 5 hours reading blogs so now i am too tired to read the bible. i know it is important, but i just love blogs. and instagram. and twitter. and _____________. no more laziness. okay, probably still some laziness, but hopefully less laziness in this particular area. 

FOUR: drink some more water. like probs at least 2 nalgenes a day.

i love apple juice more than water. i don't drink enough. there is no real deep motivation behind this except that water is good for you. blah blah blah.

FIVE: get back into some sort of regular physical activity.

i used to ride my bike or run every day with paige. now i do the interlude and every muscle in my body is sore. i wish i was kidding. maybe i will just start each day with the interlude and call it good. yes. that sounds effective.

SIX: save more than i spend.

this sort of goes along with the "being grateful for what i have" thing but also spreads into the "i have a spending problem and love buying stuff" thing. i'm not really sure how i will accomplish this which is  in fact a solid way to fail. maybe i will tattoo BE GRATEFUL on my forehead. maybe i will make a budget. maybe i don't really understand those. maybe i will take financial peace university. or maybe i will just buy stuff. it's anyone's guess at this point.

SEVEN: go to church.

what's that kimberly? you're a children's ministry major and you don't go to church? i go to a college aged service on sunday nights called The Rising. which is great and fine and very much church, but also very much just college students. some time in the last three years of school i gave myself permission to skip church in the morning if i was tired and just go to the rising. i miss church. i haven't really even found a sunday morning church that i love. i will do that this year. 

jami nato wrote a really good post on goals and resolutions. i didn't absorb the whole thing because i was exhausted when i read it, but there was something in there about pursuing heart change instead of behavior modification. i'm hoping 3 + 7 do that because i know that behavior modification isn't going to get me anywhere. even if all the other resolutions on the list fail, i want to follow through on 3 + 7. because those two have the most potential to be beneficial in the long run. although surely cutting beloved mcdonalds out of my life will have some eternal impact on me.

did anyone make resolutions this year? or just me? share friends, share.

happy new year!

ko.