#hopespoken.

late sunday night i returned from a 5 day trip to dallas. i attended hope spoken, a conference i have been anxiously waiting to go to for over a year. i have only been to one other women's conference that was related to blogging, but that one was geared almost completely towards blogging, while this one was just hosted by bloggers, so i wasn't sure what to expect.

but it turned out to be so so wonderful. i went in hoping to meet a few bloggers i had made friends with over the last year or two, but ended up making friends with people i couldn't have even dreamed of connecting with. i posted this on my instagram and i feel like it sums up the weekend pretty well:

as I'm sure most of you know, I love reading blogs. it's probably because I love stories. I love hearing what people have been through and where they have come from. I love hearing what they've conquered and what they've learned. mostly I just love seeing the story He's telling unfold in people's lives. so #hopespoken was kind of a dream for me. a weekend of hearing people's stories of love and life and joy and death and sorrow and redemption and hope. I made new friends, both with girls I was looking forward to meeting and with girls I didn't expect to connect with. it was a good weekend.

and really that is what it was. it was a weekend of stories speaking hope into other stories. it was a chance to be reminded that God is in the process of writing the most beautiful story of all time and we get the honor of playing a supporting role in the whole thing.

there were 11 different speakers, all of whom told their story. there was very little teaching and preaching and lots of just honest, "this is my life but look how good He is." i could honestly listen to people tell stories about their lives all day long, so i was a little bummed that the schedule was made so you had to choose 4 of the 8 breakout speakers. i really enjoyed the ones i went to, but heard really good things about the ones i missed.

i also was asked to lead a small group of 10 women for the weekend which was completely nervewracking. i made them goodie bags to win them over. including a mixed worship cd. they ended up being really sweet women who were completely capable of talking without my leading. i learned from them way more than i think they learned from me.

honestly, it was one of the most relaxing weekends i've had in a while. i went into thinking it was going to be challenging or hard, but really it just felt right and kind of like home. i could have stayed for another whole week and just hung out with all the women. i would also like to propose that next year we have a conference where you aren't allowed to wear hard pants (jeans). so basically that means everybody has to wear yoga pants or leggings with long shirts over them. doesn't that sound like a dream?!

i'm really proud of danielle and emily and casey for pulling this conference together. the food was fab, the decorations were incredible, the swag bags were amazing, the speakers had hearts of gold. i never felt like i was imposing if i went to talk to emily, danielle or casey. they were so sweet and so on the same level as everyone else. i loved that.

i highly encourage everyone to go next year. i already have my roommates for next year. i figure i'm just gonna buy a ticket and then if i can't go i'll sell it. wouldn't want to risk missing out!

here are one billion pictures from the weekend, all taken within 30 minutes, all of which look nothing like me.

ruth, lesley, anna, kimber, me, thuy, ashley
photo via thuy's instagram

if i could hang out with these 6 women for an extended amount of time, i would be so happy. they were all the sweetest, most precious people on the planet.

danielle // hannah

the hostess with the mostest and my sweet, sweet, generous friend hannah. love them to pieces and can't believe we finally got to meet in person.

wynne // leslie

these two were some of my surprise treasures from the weekend. i had heard their names in the blogging world before, but they weren't people i had kept up with. that will promptly change as i adore them and would like to immediately move into each of their houses. wynne is a gem and has the sweetest heart. leslie loves depressing music just like i do and we decided we're both melancholy. yes i had to look up what that means.

ashley // jess
picture on right from jess

i've been reading ashley's blog for over 2 years and i am so encouraged by her. she is such a cheerleader of others and inspires me to be an advocate for others. she is the craftiest person who was ever born and it turns out she is pretty funny too. i was so looking forward to finally seeing her in person. i've also been reading jess's blog for over 2 years. her session made me ugly cry and she even took time to talk with me saturday night. she is so sweet and i'm blown away by the strength that she carries.

kimber + anna // kimber

these sweet ladies were my other surprise treasures. (you too thuy!) anna texted me on my flight home asking if i wanted to room with them next year. i said yes as fast as i could! they are sweet texas mamas who i clicked with as soon as i met them. we didn't really get to talk until late saturday night, which was a crying shame, but i can't wait to hopefully room with them and their friend brit next year.

sarah + hannah // kara

i met sarah through the hope spoken link up and was totally confused about why we weren't already friends. she is a gem and has the cutest girls. kara i met on instagram when i stalkerishly told her i liked her sweater in one of hannah's pictures. the rest is history. i'm hoping to see her again early this summer.

shannan // my small group girls

emily and i picked shannan up from the airport on thursday to take her to the hotel. friday afternoon rolled around and i was standing with a group of people in the conference area. sweet shannan proceeded to introduce herself to everyone individually, including me. i, thinking she was just joking around, said, "my name is kimberly. i picked you up from the airport." she was so confused and asked if i was wearing a hat in the car. i wasn't. we both laughed and joked around about it all weekend. shannan actually lives 2 hours north of me. she is also a gem. and of course i had the best small group :)

stacey, me, lesley, emily, ashley, leslie, jami
photo via ashley's instagram

probably if you are't my mother than you stopped reading 8 pictures ago. thanks mom.

i can't wait to see what happens for next year. i've got my fingers crossed that i will be able to go.
ko.

i should be writing a paper.

but i decided to make a graduation gift guide instead! i know you were wondering what to get me, but worry no more!

okay, so i'm mostly kidding about this being a gift guide. i don't expect you guys to buy me graduation presents. but i certainly won't stop you. ;)

i haven't purchased an "item" for myself since december. i, being the person who knows what she is going to spend her paycheck on before she even has it, have started to feel the effects of this little self-imposed challenge.

i have a running list of the things i want to buy myself when this is all over in may. most of these things are kind of expensive, but since i haven't blown all my money on stupid little impulsive trinkets, i will hopefully be able to buy some of these beauties.

truth be told, i've spent most of the money i would have saved on traveling this semester (i have been/will be out of town 9 of the 16 weekends this semester), so this actually isn't realistic at all, but it's more fun than homework, so there.

and in case you were wondering, YES! it does take a flipping long time to make one of these cute little images. and YES! i had plenty of things i should have been doing instead including but not limited to: reading a book, writing a paper about that book, eating dinner, cleaning my room for the friends coming to stay with me tonight, prepping for my hope spoken small group, engaging with humans, etc. oh well!

1. cath kidston knitted blanket -- first up is this lovely knitted blanket. my cute british friend chloë told me about cath kidston from the u.k. and i spent approximately 2 hours looking every.single.item. on their website. i'm obsessed. i love everything. i want everything. fly me to london and let me buy it all.

2. kelly moore "libby" camera laptop bag -- i have the kelly moore "classic" bag, gifted to me by the sweetest woman on the whole planet. i love it. it fits all my camera stuff. it has great pockets. the only downside is that it doesn't have a laptop sleeve. 98% of the time that i'm using this bag is when i'm traveling, and i never ever ever go anywhere with out my camera and my laptop, so its hard to not have a sleeve. enter: the "libby." plenty of room for camera stuff, extra stuff AND a laptop. a dream.

3. zara maxi dress -- chloë told me about zara a few months ago and i finally was able to go to a zara store this past weekend while i was in chicago. i basically died. i touched everything. i couldn't buy anything. it was horrible. "horrible" being a relative term here. i was perusing the website today and came across this beauty. perfect summer dress if you ask me.

4. white high top converse -- i've wanted these for around 2 years now. a friend just got engaged and her fiance gave her these shoes when he proposed. i told her to her face that i was mad about it. ha. my way of "rejoicing with those who rejoice" i guess. if i have to get engaged to get these shoes, i'll do it. i will! i won't, actually. when i was younger i used to tell people i was never going to get married, i was just going to have boys bring me presents. i think i am going to go back to that plan. look boys, you know what to buy me!

5. anthropologie teapot -- i have been drinking a lot of tea lately. it probably has something to do with the british friend. she's turned me into an earl grey snob. i even bought some loose leaf tea in chicago (doesn't count as a purchase since it's technically food.). now all i need is a proper tea pot and a loose leaf infuser and i'm ready to go.

6. hand stamped longitude and latitude necklace -- as you may know, i'm really sad about leaving my people here in indiana. i thought about getting an indiana shaped charm necklace, but that is entirely too cheesy for me. i was looking around on etsy and saw these location necklaces. just the right amount of cheese for me. and this way i can add several charms if i want. one for lawrence, one for indiana, maybe one for alaska, then new ones for any place i go and desperately don't want to leave. a perfect solution.

now that it's 9pm and i still haven't eaten dinner, we'll end the list at 6. i hope you've enjoyed this complete waste of mine and your time. i know i have.

ko.

He's the One thing.

this might end up being one of those posts that i regret publishing so quickly, without reading it over and over, but sometimes just writing when you can feel all the feelings the strongest is the best way to express yourself.

i started this year with grandiose plans to change the way i saw money, and stuff and spending. i set out to embark on this challenge i saw on lara casey's blog. i even wrote half a post about how i'm not buying anything new and i'm not eating out, planning to post it with all its glorious details in january for the world wide web to see.

but as you may have noticed, its now february and i have posted no such thing. it never felt right. i never could find the words that did it justice, but still sounded like me.

that's changed. and so here i sit in mcconn, at 11pm on a monday finally realizing what God wanted to teach me through this whole contentment challenge. finally realizing that the details matter less and the lesson matters most.

He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever.

i was scrolling through instagram for the one zillionth time yesterday and saw a post about a family who had been affected by mold and was losing a lot of their possessions. i didn't have time to really read about it then, and i was sad for them, but i didn't understand the weight of their situation until i had time to read through their blog just now.

to give you the short version, they've been living in a house with toxic black mold for a long time and it is costing them everything. unborn babies. their home. their health. their wealth. their lives, maybe. every single possession they own. gone. given away or destroyed.

and i know deep down in my heart that this challenge i'm giving myself of spending less and wanting less and giving away more is so small in comparison to this battle they're fighting. and i know i don't fully understand the pain they feel. for me, it was a choice. for them, it's out of their control.

i sat in mcconn and cried as i read their story. and i told my friend about it as i got some tea from mcconn, and he said his family went through a mold situation when he was 10, and  then it got more real and i cried a little bit more. because i realized what He's been saying more fully and clearly than i ever had before.

He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever. 

the only thing we get to take to heaven is what we can fit in our brains and hearts and spirits and souls. we don't get to take anything else. i've heard people say, "you can't take a suitcase to heaven!" probably a thousand times, but still i acquire a bunch of stuff. a little shopping here, a little shopping there and soon my closet is busting at the seams and i'm sitting on piles and piles, drawers and drawers, boxes and boxes of stuff that doesn't. even. matter.

the Lord is constantly asking me to check my heart and challenge me in how content i am. when i'm scrolling through pinterest and see something i want to buy. when i want to get new spring clothes. when i want to try new makeup. when i want to buy new prints for my wall because my favorite etsy shop is having a sale. when my friend gets a cool new thing and i want one too.
He whispers in the gentlest way,

"where's your treasure?"

and i say, "its in You!"

but until this very moment i didn't even get what that really means. i didn't understand what it meant to really give up everything. to really hold everything loosely in my hands.

i think contentment is a choice. being content is making a choice to believe everything the Lord has given you for right this second is enough. it's choosing to believe that none of it is yours anyway and that every single thing you call "yours" could be taken away from you in exactly one second. it sounds dramatic, i guess, but really its just reality. contentment is choosing to believe that everything you have and don't have doesn't matter as long as you have the Lord. as long as He's still good, its enough. He's enough.

would i give it all up? would i give it all away? would i hand a stranger every dollar i had on me if i thought they needed it? no strings attached? would i give away something i loved, knowing i'd never be able to replace it, if He asked me to? would i give my iphone away? would i empty my bank accounts for someone else who needed it?

i know there are people who think i'm a little crazy. a little radical maybe. but doing what Jesus told us to do isn't radical, its just obedience. He wasn't unclear when He said it may cost us everything to follow Him. He wasn't asking the disciples to be radical when He told them to leave everything and follow Him, He was just asking them to be obedient, to trust Him. i don't think there is any such thing as "radical christianity" or "radical giving." there is just normal obedient christianity. and normal obedient giving. (and no, i don't want to debate about that with you.)

He's just asking me to be obedient. to hold it all loosely. to fix my eyes right on His face and stop worrying about the rest. to stop wanting anything more than Him. i don't pretend like that's easy. and i don't pretend like i'm very good at it. but i don't want to pretend like its not what He's asking me to do, either.

heidi baker once said, "my only regret is that when i see Him, i'll have held something back that i could have lavished." what a way to live. regretting only that you could have gave more.

i also want to say that i'm certainly not saying this is what He is asking you to do too, i don't want that responsibility. but i hope you'll understand more clearly that it's all about Him, not just in the end, but right now too.

because He's the one thing that matters. He's the only thing we get to keep forever. 

ko.

maybe i'm being dramatic | a premature post about graduating

it hits me most when i'm driving.

i love to drive in the car by myself. music up and windows down if its warm enough. this year i've driven a lot. mostly back and forth to upland for church and practicum and friends.

i've made that drive millions of times. making my mark on the town as i'm making my mark on the road. growing my love the for little strips of life each town holds as i've made my way to Upland day after day, week after week. knowing just the time that the sun would be dipping behind the trees and cornfields i have grown so familiar with. knowing exactly when those fields wouldn't hold corn any longer but just a distant memory of it.

always thinking about the the I-69 travelers who would be beckoned off the highway and onto an exit by the towering starbucks sign, unaware of the memories i've made and friendships i've built at those wooden tables. not knowing that for them it was a pit stop and for me it was home.

i never realized how risky it was to build roots. and how painful it would be to dig them back up. i failed to recognize the danger in using "my" in front words like church and walmart and starbucks and home as if they'd be mine forever.

my church.
my walmart.
my starbucks.
my community.
my home.

i didn't think time would really run out or that bags would really be packed for a final time. i never thought the time would come that i'd just be a visitor again, beckoned back by more than starbucks, but a visitor nonetheless.

leaving community is really hard. it has been so long that i've had to completely uproot from a place i've grown so familiar with, so i've forgotten the grief that comes with it. i guess its a good thing that i've learned to love this place, this community, this home, so much. but it doesn't make it any easier to leave.

"you're in college, kimberly! of course you found community!"
fine, but this sure wasn't the one i was expecting. i couldn't have even asked for a group of people who push me and love me and disciple me and laugh with me so well. but the reality is that's what i got. and in 66 days i have to leave it. i have to say goodbye to the people who love me so well.
the church that loves me so well.
the people who choose to see others through the eyes of Jesus.
the people who honor others.
the people who make sharing meals and laughs together a priority and sacrifice for it.
the people who rejoice in testimonies.
the people who will give up their weekends to do ministry for another ministry thats going to a different church in another state.
the people who make you your own pan of food because they know you don't like beans.
the people who drive 4 hours round trip to see you for less than 10 minutes.
the people who tell you where the spare key is.
the people who you've only know for a year but feel closer to than people you've known for a decade.
the people who forgive.
the people who show grace.
the people who trust in Jesus and believe He is who He says He is.
the people who hear His voice.
the people who are family.

how do you say goodbye to that? how do rip yourself out of that community just because you've been handed a diploma?

not once did i ever think i would find myself so deeply rooted in a community that i would want to stay in the cornfields of indiana for it, but thats what these friends, this church has become for me. the loveliest community i've ever known. with its own problems and issues sure, but with a great enough love to work through them.

"can i stay?" is a question i've asked approximately 400 times, but the answer, "not right now" hasn't changed.

and so i soak in these last 65 days. pondering and treasuring each moment of them in my heart. which is cheesy, but true.

lately, anytime i've gathered around a table with a group of my friends i cry or almost cry because i love it so much. bittersweet tears acknowledging the reality that it will be over all too soon.

i prepare to say goodbye. i prepare to pack up. i prepare to drive towards Upland one last time, stopping just short of it and getting on the highway, headed towards my other home.


indiana, you have my heart.
ko.

choose Him | my first "sermon"

this.

this right here, posting this on the internet, is perhaps one of the most frightening things i have ever done. perhaps even more frightening than actually "preaching" this "sermon". i use quotation marks around those words because i read my "sermon" sitting in a stool in front of my class rather than actually preaching it like the rest of the class. it didn't really feel like preaching. it felt more like an out of body experience in which i was observing myself speak too quickly and tap my foot too often. 

but my outfit was cute. and i got a good grade. and i didn't throw up.

#winning

this sermon was for my homiletics 1 class last semester. i took it, not because it was required, but because the professor coerced me into it. i'm glad i did it. i'm glad i don't have to do it again. i promised my mom (3 months ago) that i'd post it so she could read it. so here you go, mom.

i start to tear up a little when i read this. not because i'm emotionally moved by my own words, (awkward), but because i can't help but remember all the ways Jesus moved to make it possible. i had called it quits on writing this sermon, so frustrated with my lack of ability to actually write a sermon, when suddenly i had paragraph after paragraph of words running through my head. i have a feeling Jesus put them there. God bless Him. 

also, my professor and classmates gave me lots of good feedback on ways that i could improve this sermon, but this is the version i presented in class. so it seems right to post this one. this version is also unfortunately full of capitalized letters and grammatically correct sentences, which is a total bummer, but hopefully you (i) will live. there are a couple places where it is really text, as in Scripture, heavy. don't give up. just push through it. 

insert awkward transition here. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

(you should know that this is not actually a picture of the red sea, but a picture of the dead sea. i have not visited the red sea, but i have visited the dead sea and since it was in israel, or the promised land as some like to call it, i decided i could use it. just go with it.)

I once read a story about an elderly woman from France who was stuck in her own bathroom for almost a month. Apparently, the lock broke after she shut the door, and she had no other way of getting out. She spent nearly a month living off of water from her sink and banging on the walls for help. When her neighbors finally realized she had been calling out, they called the police, who rescued her immediately. By this time, she was badly malnourished, but fortunately recovered just fine in the hospital. 

I wonder, sometimes, if this happens more often than we think it does.

I don’t necessarily think that hoards of people are getting trapped in their bathrooms for weeks on end, but I am pretty certain that there are a whole lot of trapped people wandering around the world. Most probably aren’t physically trapped, but there’s no doubt that they are stuck and they need a way out. 

I read another story once about over a million people being stuck in one place together. 

Exodus 14:19-31 reads,

Then the angel of God, who had been traveling in front of Israel's army, withdrew and went behind them. The pillar of cloud also moved from in front and stood behind them, coming between the armies of Egypt and Israel. Throughout the night the cloud brought darkness to the one side and light to the other side; so neither went near the other all night long. Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the LORD drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.
The Egyptians pursued them, and all Pharaoh's horses and chariots and horsemen followed them into the sea. During the last watch of the night the LORD looked down from the pillar of fire and cloud at the Egyptian army and threw it into confusion.
He made the wheels of their chariots come off so that they had difficulty driving. And the Egyptians said, "Let's get away from the Israelites! The LORD is fighting for them against Egypt." Then the LORD said to Moses, "Stretch out your hand over the sea so that the waters may flow back over the Egyptians and their chariots and horsemen." Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and at daybreak the sea went back to its place. The Egyptians were fleeing toward it, and the LORD swept them into the sea. The water flowed back and covered the chariots and horsemen--the entire army of Pharaoh that had followed the Israelites into the sea.
Not one of them survived.
But the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.
That day the LORD saved Israel from the hands of the Egyptians, and Israel saw the Egyptians lying dead on the shore. And when the Israelites saw the great power the LORD displayed against the Egyptians, the people feared the LORD and put their trust in him and in Moses his servant.

Okay, so to catch us up to this point in the story we have to know where the Israelites came from. They had been in Egypt for 400 years as slaves. There were over a million of them so Pharaoh had gotten nervous, and ordered all the baby boys of the Israelites to be thrown in the Nile. But, one Israelite woman hid her son, and eventually put him in a basket in the Nile River where Pharaoh’s daughter found him. She then raises the baby, Moses, as an Egyptian, he ends up killing someone, finds out he isn’t really Egyptian, and runs away to the dessert. There the Lord calls him from a burning bush to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. Moses puts up a fight, eventually gives in, and treks back to Egypt to talk Pharaoh into letting his free labor force go. Pharaoh says no, then yes, then no, then yes, then no, then yes and eventually let’s them go only after God releases all kinds of horrible plagues on the Egyptian people. Now obviously that’s completely paraphrased and there are a lot of other details that make Moses’ whole story a miraculous one. But even still, here we find the Israelites after they’ve left Egypt and they’re camped around the edge of the Red Sea. 

Just a few verses before our passage the Israelites see the Egyptians pursuing them and they’re terrified. They cry out to the Lord saying “Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?” 

They didn’t trust God. 

He had displayed His power with plagues and signs and He had delivered them out of Egypt. But the second opposition came towards them again, they were overwhelmed with fear and didn’t think they could trust Him. God responds to their cries in verse 13 and says, “Do not be afraid! Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.” 

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on. Raise your staff and stretch out your hand over the sea to divide the water so that the Israelites can go through the sea on dry ground. I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians so that they will go in after them. And I will gain glory through pharaoh and all his army, through his chariots and horsemen. The Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I gain glory through Pharaoh, his chariots and his horsemen.” 

So Moses does what the Lord instructs him to do and the Red Sea parts in half.

You can’t just see a gigantic body of water split open right in front of your eyes and not immediately recognize the Lord as mighty. You can’t be surrounded by your greatest enemy and be moments away from defeat then have a miraculous way out, on dry ground no less, and still continue to think the Lord isn’t on your side. 

The Lord made a way out for them because they were His people. Because He had a promise to fulfill. He promised He would fight for them and He did. They couldn’t offer Him anything and they were about to be destroyed, but He said, “No, you are My chosen people and I’m going to save you and I’m going to show you that I’m for you. And even the Egyptians are going to recognize that I am Lord over all the earth because of the way I am fighting for you.” He was fully aware of every way they were going to betray Him in the future. He knew every idol they would place before Him and every time they would turn their back on Him but He saved them anyway. They were wrapped up in their fear and He stepped in, destroyed the Egyptian army and gave them a reason to put their trust in Him. He displayed His power and His might in a way they would never be able to forget and the Israelites looked back on it for thousands of years. He provided for them in this unforgettable way so that for years and years they could look back on the way the Lord chose them and protected them, and they could take that experience with the Lord and stand on it as a promise that He would do it again. He would provide for them again. He would keep His promises and He would never stop making ways for them. 

He parted the Red Sea not because He wanted the Israelites to be victorious, 

but, so that they could put their trust in Him, 

so that they would chose to follow Him, 

so that He could bring them into the Holy Land, 

so He could set the stage for Jesus to come in and make another way them, 

but not just a way into a Holy Land, 

a way into the Holy Place for eternity. 

He made a way.

He didn’t do it for them, He did it for Him. He did it so He could be with them in the end. The whole Bible is a story of God making ways for us so He can be with us. Because He loves us and He chose us and He’s still choosing us. He is still making a way for us and He is still wooing us into relationship with Him because He wants to be with us. And He wants to bring us out of the mindset of slavery and into the mindset of chosen children of the most high God. 

The Israelites were stuck, and they were afraid. The Lord made a way for them but they had to choose to walk into the freedom He was creating for them. Imagine it for a second; you’re standing on the edge of a sea with a million of your closest friends and over the course of a night the water parts right in half. The scripture says there was a wall of water on their right and on their left, so it’s not just like they’re cutting through the shallow end of a pool, they’re walking through a large body of water and they’re probably afraid. No one walks into something like this without some hesitation. What if the walls of water fell?

God creating a way for them didn’t make them any more free, it gave them options, sure, but until they walked through the sea with the water on their left and on their right, they were still trapped. They had two choices: they could let the fear of walking through a body of water overcome them and let the Egyptians conquer them, or they could choose to walk in the promise that God would fight for them and walk in faith that He had brought them this far and that He was on their side. 

For me, my fear? Where do I most easily struggle to trust that the Lord is on my side? It pops up in different ways at different times. Sometimes it’s feeling stuck in a social situation I’m not in control of. Sometimes it’s walking into new situations that I haven’t spent hours and hours researching. Maybe you feel stuck in your relationships. Maybe you feel stuck in your major or your living situation or your family or your job. Maybe you fear taking grain from this Book (the Bible) and making bread from it and feeding it to people and hoping it’s a good meal and that it’s honoring to the integrity of the Word and to the Holiness of Jesus. 

But no matter what our fear is, no matter which way we feel stuck, we have a choice to make. We can choose to sit in our fear or we can choose to listen to God when He says, 

“Hey daughter, 

hey son, 

I made a way for you. 

You don’t have to be afraid. 

I’m gonna give you the words to say. I’m gonna make the bread for you. I’m gonna get you through this social situation that brings out all sorts of anxiety in you. But you’re gonna have to trust me. You’re gonna have to walk through the sea. You can stay in your fear, and I’m still gonna love you, but I’ve made a way for you. So, follow me. Trust me.”

I don’t know what your Egyptian army is. I don’t know what you feel stuck in. but I do know that the Lord will make a way for you. The Lord will make a way for you that brings Him glory. Because it’s all about Him anyway. It was about Him when the Israelites crossed through on dry ground and it’s about Him when we’re seemingly stuck in our fear now. I don’t know which seas He is going to part or which ground we’re going to have to walk on, but He’s gonna make a way and we’re going to have to say yes to love and no to fear, and we’re going to have to follow Him into the sea. we’re going to have to choose freedom if we want to be free. He already made a way for us, but we’re going to have to choose it. Because He chose us. He chose you.

 He split the sea and He tore the veil and He chose you. And He’ll always keep on choosing you. 

So choose Him.

i'm not on the bandwagon this year.

the beginning of a new year to me is so very strange. it has a certain feeling of hope to it, hope for a fresh start and new routine, but also a certain sense of pressure, pressure to pick a word and commit to resolutions and form good habits. i've read around one thousand posts about words that people have chosen for the year or resolutions that they've made and i've been struggling to come up with anything for myself. don't hear what i'm not saying, i'm not making a judgment about words or resolutions, i'm just trying to explain how my vision for the year doesn't include a word or a resolution.

in reality, i could come up with several words that i could bend and twist and mold into what i think the Lord wants to do this year. i could pick faithful or trust or rest or risk or joy, or content, or i could say i'm gonna read my Bible all the way through 14 times or plan to go to the gym everyday (el oh el. like that would ever happen.). but the problem that i'm facing, which is a good problem to have i guess, is that i don't think i can fit what the Lord is going to do into one little word. because from the little bits of vision that He's given me already, it seems like His plans for 2014 are a million times bigger than what i can express in a word.

what a glorious thought.

what a beautiful thing to ponder on the reality that God wants to do more in our lives than what can be expressed by one or two or ten words.

i really did try to pick a word. i asked for one. even just now as i sat down to write this i said, Lord give me a word for the year. and you know what He said? He said, if you have to have a word, pick Jesus. 

He's so sassy sometimes.

so i'm not going to pick Jesus as my word, because i think its cheesy and i really don't like cheese, but i guess thats going to be my vision for the year. Jesus is going to be my vision for the year. because all those words, all those resolutions that i would come up with are meaningless unless they center around Jesus. faithful is about Jesus. trust is about Jesus. rest and risk and joy and content are about Jesus. even going to the gym is about Jesus because He wants you to take care of your bod, yo. its all about Jesus always only.

i feel like maybe those last few sentences maybe some people would disagree with, but its my blog and i don't care, so i'm leaving it.

so my vision is Jesus. i'm wordless. i'm resolutionless. but i've got my eyes set on Jesus. thats all i need.

ko.

2013: the year in which i was 35.7% successful.

you should know that i had to ask my high school sister how to do the math for that title. after trying several complicated problems to figure out what percentage of seven 2.5 is, she told me to just divide 2.5 by 7. duuuuuuuuuh kim. i really am smart, just in the untraditional way.

i'm sorry that i just spent a whole paragraph talking about math. but i felt this was the best way to pretend that i measure my success by how many new year resolutions i accomplish. really i couldn't care less about resolutions, but i figured i should probably write a follow up post since i blogged about them in january.

as you can tell by my lack of math, or lack there of, i was successful in 2.5 of 7 of my resolutions. considering i never.ever. do these, i feel good about this result. i guess. 

ONE: quit eating mcdonalds.

i didn't eat mcdonalds for the whole year, which yes, was as a painful as it sounds. i had it once in israel (it wasn't the same) and i had a shamrock shake or two, which i knew would happen.

----------> SUCCESS

TWO: complete a thirty for thirty. 

yeaaaaah, never did this. maybe this year. i'm making some changes in the wardrobe/clothes shopping areas, which i'll talk more about in another post, so i'm hoping to still do this at some point. 

----------> FAIL

THREE: read the bible in a year. 

didn't happen. "we don't read the bible to finish, we read the bible to change." thats what i remind myself. but i was talking to a mom today who said she had read through two different versions of kid versions with her daughter who is only like in 3rd grade, so that motivated me a bit to get my butt in gear. i think i'm going to try and tackle this in 2014 by reading the storybook bible by sally llyod-jones. yes i know its for children. gotta start somewhere.

----------> FAIL (but Jesus still loves me, so there.)

FOUR: drink some more water. like probs at least 2 nalgenes a day.

i tried really hard to drink a lot of water. i probably for sure drank more water this year than last year. but i certainly didn't drink 2 nalgenes a day because i'm not a horse, so i call this a partial success.

----------> A FOR EFFORT

FIVE: get back into some sort of regular physical activity.

i've been laying in bed for over a week watching netflix, so you tell me what you think the answer to this one is. i did take up rock climbing for a few weeks, but i wouldn't call that "regular"

----------> FAIL

SIX: save more than i spend.

i think i got even better at spending money this year than ever before. who knew that was possible! i have a big plan/experiment/scary thing planned for next semester to address this issue. i'll be talking about that in another post.

----------> FAIL

SEVEN: go to church.

i finally found a church i like in the mornings! after 2.5 years, i landed at exit 59 in the mornings and kingdom life church at night. i love both of them. i didn't do super well at going to exit 59 towards the end of the year, but i went all of spring semester, all of summer and a lot of fall semester. way to go self. 

----------> SUCCESS

overall, it was a really good year. i guess at some point i could review the actual year, or you could just read through my archives. :) 

there is still a lot of good things planned for the remainder of 2013, but 2014? she's gonna pack quite the punch. more on that soon!

ko.

red river gorgeous.

it isn't uncommon for me to visit a place one time and then become completely enthralled with it. i go into these places as a foreigner, but leave as a friend. they burrow little dents in my heart that can only be filled back up by spending more time there. i often find myself getting in these bizarre moods where i'm longing to feel the air of that place again. i crave the sounds and the smells and the views. i pull out pictures and listen to songs i heard there, but it never quite fills the hole. alaska, israel and hawaii did this to me, which i expected, but did new york city and detroit and half moon bay left their own dents too. 

a split second decision landed me in the red river gorge of kentucky for fall break. and a split second was all it took for kentucky to leave its mark on my heart. 4 days was enough to get me hooked on the gorge. it was gigantic and beautiful and full of life and excitement. the culture was new to me but the way it felt being there was familiar. i was at home amongst the changing leaves and showerless climbers.

i'd been climbing in gyms before, and that was something i enjoyed, but natural climbing was a whole new beast to conquer.  the crags aren't always flat and can't be sized up from the ground. sometimes you can't see your holds until you're grasping for them. the rock can be cold and wet. for someone like me, who plans their whole route while planted firmly on the ground, all the unknowns brought with them a lot of anxiety. 

i'm, unfortunately, a naturally anxious person, so going in to the weekend, i was nervous. i was nervous about camping and climbing and hiking and spending almost 96 straight hours with a group of people, most of whom i didn't know. but i packed my bag and i pushed my nerves down into the box i always keep them, and i got in a van with 11 new friends and i went to kentucky. 

my anxiety only sprung back in full force one time on the trip. this wouldn't have been a big deal, but i happened to be hanging from a rope, halfway up a 60 ft route. it was the second day and i had climbed other routes, but for some reason this route unnerved me. honestly, i'm surprised i was able to finish. my favorite part of climbing is rappelling down at the end, yet, when i finished the route, not one fiber of my being wanted to let go. i was petrified, and it was horrible. with much coercing from my roommate, i reluctantly agreed to come down. as our trip leader untied me i could feel the tears coming and my face getting hot. i stepped away, trying to hide the tears now sliding down my cheeks. but i failed. i hyperventilated. my hands clamped up as they lost oxygen, and i spent the next 30 minutes sitting on a boulder in front of this crag i had just climbed, calming myself down. some people call it a panic attack, i call it embarrassing. 

i swore off climbing from that moment on, and i resigned to sit in a hammock eating goldfish and cheering people on. "this just isn't my jam" i would say over and over. but that only lasted a day, and the next morning i found myself itching to get back in a harness. i lead climbed a route. which is a little bit of a big deal. it was a really easy route, but it was a milestone for me, regardless. 

despite the panic attack on saturday, i'm hooked on climbing. and camping isn't so bad either. i have a place, a very big place, in my heart for nice hotels, but sleeping in a hammock under a canopy of trees and a sprinkling of stars is an experience you can't compare to the hilton. i was afraid of bears, sure, but i was warm and with friends and there were always nice boys within a few yards of my hammock should trouble arise. 

climbing is my jam, i guess. and camping is my jam, i guess. and spending 96 hours with precious people who have precious hearts is my jam, but i guess i already knew that.

hey look, its me on a crag.

the last day held the biggest treasure. it wasn't expected and it wasn't planned, but boy was it big and man was it beautiful. we took the long way back to the vans because my friends, who had mostly only known me for 3 days, knew i would love this place. that gesture alone made me want to cry. they were new friends, but they knew me so well already and they were willing to go out of the way to show me this surprise.

i asked, "is this it?" at least 10 times on the way there. and every time they assured me it was bigger and better than whatever we were currently looking at, and it would be worth the walk. they were so right. we walked into this giant overhang, and suddenly i felt small and speechless. i'm rarely speechless, so that in itself should tell you how beautiful this place was. i wish i had a panoramic picture to show you, but it wouldn't do it justice, and honestly i was too stunned to move or take any pictures. i stood at the edge of this humongous cave for as long as they would let me, and i tried to take it all in. i could have stood there for 39 years and never soaked it all in. two weeks later, i can still think of nothing more beautiful. as big as it was, it still brought me to the realization that i was only standing in a tiny piece of the earth. this massive corner of the gorge was just a speck on the globe. it put me in my place. it made me feel small. but it made Him feel big and fully of beauty and full of glory.

and one day, i'll have a picnic there. i can hardly wait.

ko.

the thing about coffee and instagram.

people are always writing emotional blog posts about how instagram makes them compare their lives to other's lives and their bookshelf from walmart to someone else's thrift store bookshelf made of crates and unicorns. the posts usually end with some sort of resolve to stop this madness and to just be content with what they have, and then maybe they throw in a cute quote about being content that has a tinge of condemnation mixed in. i've maybe felt this way about about instagram a time or two, but mostly the thing about instagram or the internet or maybe even college is that makes me want to drink coffee more than it makes me jealous of people and their stuff.

i've been professing my hatred for coffee and anything else that tastes like the ground for awhile now, but i've let up on some of those ill feelings recently, and i embarked on a journey to learn to love coffee. maybe this has something to do with working at a coffee shop, but we'll never trace the root of my motivation for sure. i've had this irrational view of social situations involving coffee floating around in my head and out of my mouth for some time now that generally involves me going to someone's house and them proceeding to offer me coffee. then i, because of the absolute disdain i have for the stuff, have to turn them down. immediately after this i drown in a lethal cup of guilt, embarrassment, and shame because of the ways i've surely offended this host. and to make matters worse, i probably have absolutely nothing to drink now because they probably only have fruity tea as an alternative to coffee, and i don't like fruity teas anymore than i like coffee, so surely i'm going to die from thirst. now at this point you're probably concerned for my mental health more than you care if i like coffee or not, but i assure you that i'm just fine, and admitting i have a problem is the first step.

learning to make latte art at barista training.

so this absolutely irrational situation paired with instagram's glamourous depiction of beautiful mugs, tasty scones, and bright rays of sunshine led me to drink coffee. mostly accompanied by copious amounts of cream and sugar. and i have to be honest and tell you i've grown to like it. it only has small hints of tasting like dirt, and as long as i keep throwing some french vanilla creamer into my latte, i can see myself on the path to addiction and success.

what instagram didn't mention, however, is how much my stomach would absolutely hate me for drinking coffee. it hates me so much that it's started to write me hate mail and post mean things about me on the internet. i've come to terms with the amount of craziness i have rattling around in my head, but compared to the insane people drinking coffee, thinking their $5 carmel macchiato is worth the crippling stomach pain they'll feel for the rest of their life or at least the rest of their day, i am the most normal person on the planet.

and so my coffee journey abruptly comes to an end. i guess, in a way, i achieved my goal in learning to like the taste of java, but i also became an enemy to my own body, and it is just not worth it. i'm waving the white flag of surrender, and i'm going to ask my faithful friend, the vanilla chai, for forgiveness. it will be humbling to say the least, but my chai has never let me down before.

so long, coffee. it's been real.
ko.

hope spoken link up!

today i'm linking up with emily, danielle, casey and the rest of the gals headed to the Hope Spoken conference. i'm thrilled out of my mind about attending and can't wait to head to texas in march! 

for those of you dropping in from the link up party, i guess i should properly introduce myself. i'm currently hanging out in indiana while i finish my last year as a college student. i'm originally from kansas and i've heard literally every wizard of oz joke in the book. i'm the 5th of 7 kids, i like to laugh (sometimes at inappropriate moments) and i don't like to take anything too seriously. i don't believe in proper capitalization or grammar, but i do believe in Jesus, and i love to see His redeeming power change people's lives.

i wouldn't say that i'm super nervous about anything for the conference. i know several women in real life who will be attending, so i'm pretty confident that i'll have a good time. i suppose maybe i'm most nervous about how my professors are going to feel about me skipping class to go to a conference in texas. :)

i'm suuuuuuuuuuuuuper excited about the heart behind this conference. i believe so much in the hope that is given when we tell our stories and give God glory for the ways He's been faithful to us. i am hoping to walk away from the weekend feeling encouraged. i also hope to walk away with some new friends. 

a random fact about myself is that i'm horrible at coming up with random facts. so instead i'll just tell you that i love baking, babies, and instagram and that i cannot wait to meet all you sweet ladies at the conference. 

xoxo.

ko.

fall and hope.

there comes a time in your blogging career when you don't blog for over a month and you realize that probably no one is reading anymore and that you're really stretching the truth a bit when you call yourself a "blogger." and then it becomes obvious that you're probably just blogging for yourself at this point and then you're reminded that you were supposed to be blogging for yourself all along and suddenly it unlocks a freedom to write about anything you want. all the thoughts swirling around your head are up for grabs and you can pick any one you fancy. so what brings me back to this dusty corner of the interwebs?

death.

the death of my blog maybe? no, but i guess anything is possible.

death has a way of making you stop dead in your tracks. it nails your shoes right to the place where they're standing and holds you down with its unwelcome self.

i've never felt like i had any place to talk about death. the thing about death is that it has such a certain uncertainty about it. it's so final, yet so unknown. there's a tension between the knowledge of a celebration and the reality of mourning. celebration, because someone is finally meeting their maker. glory to glory. face to face. but then there's the mourning: the thick, unavoidable, heavy, devastating mourning.

sometimes there's no celebration at all and we're stuck in the grief of a life lost forever.

you'd think i'd just lost someone close to me as much as i've thought about the concept of death lately. but i haven't. i've just seen and heard of a lot of it lately. it rips people apart and pulls others together. it brings us to tears and then shakes us with laughter as all the moments that made us love someone come flooding back.

we were talking about fall at work the other day and someone said that they absolutely hate fall. they hate watching everything die and wilt and end. i was almost offended, really, at their bluntness. i love fall, it's my favorite season, but i had never given any thought to all the death that happens in the fall season. everything, literally, dies. but at the exact same time, it's tragically beautiful and hope is falling all around us. yes, fall ushers us into a season of bitter and lifeless cold, but that hard season always, always, always births the most beautiful season of life. we rake up the dead leaves, we strap on our boots, we trudge through the cold and we bunker down for winter.

but then the snow melts. and the trees bud. the flowers bloom and faithful spring shows itself again.

i guess that's how i see death. it brings us grief and pain and tears and maybe we have to bunker down for a season of bitter cold. but knowing Jesus is knowing hope and spring always comes again. He always breathes new life and He's always getting glory and He's always working it together for His glory and our good. and in death is where we begin to appreciate the spring and the life and the knowledge that death isn't all there is. and this life isn't all there is. the hope is the certainty that one day we'll be glory to glory and face to face with the One who breathed life in us at the beginning of time. and we'll sing holy, holy, holy, is the Lord God Almighty, who was and is and is to come and we'll never be in mourning again.

o death, where is your sting?
o hell, where is your victory?
oh church! come stand in the light!
the glory of God has defeated the night!

because that's the reality of the gospel. it scoops us up out of our mourning and our nailed down shoes and it gives us hope. it anchors us in the reality that Jesus defeated death 2000 years ago and in time, He'll call us back to Himself.

glory to glory. face to face.

ko.

well, hi.

oh i have a blog? you'd think i didn't know considering how often i've been posting. lately, i haven't even been able to find the motivation to read my favorite blogs. which, if you know me at all, is kind of saying a lot.

round 4 with this beautiful lady.

i love blogging. i love reading blogs. i love meeting bloggers. i love it all. it's my very favorite hobby that i've ever had. and a lot of my favorite parts of life are wrapped up in blogs. i love reading about adoptions and redeemed marriages and telling the devil to go to hell and crafting and being brave.  (ps. you should probably take a few hours and visit all of those links.)

#croppediphonepicture

but as much as i love seeing all of those stories unfold and as much as i feel like those ladies have become a part of my life, i'm starting to find some really beautiful stories unfolding in my own life. in the real, in person, right here, right now moments that take place around me every day. in fact, i'm sure these beautiful stories have been taking place for sometime, but i suddenly feel like i have new eyes to see them.

marge's birthday // first day of school with the roomie.

i will always love scrolling through instagram, reading blogs and writing blogs, but i'm not doing such a great job at it lately and i've had to give myself permission for that. because i'm living so much good, beautiful, uninstagramable life right now. it's a little bit weird that i'm even writing a blog about this, but i'm not joking when i say that the blog world is a substantial part of my life. i love the interwebs.

dirty dan's donut run.

who knew i'd also grow to love the tangled and beautiful web of people surrounding me. the ones i see everyday. the ones who know all the little corners of my mind and heart. the ones who i can do the wobble with on saturday night and carpool to church with on sunday night. the ones i go on dates with every monday night. the ones who i live with. the ones who i have to drive a few hours to see. the ones who speak life over me. the ones who i have class with. the ones who go to an old church with me in the middle of the afternoon just to play worship music.

the best and shortest visit from kelly and ashlyn.

the Lord has weaved the most perfect web of people for me as i'm starting my senior year. i'm going to do my best to document this last year, but more importantly i'm going to use my new eyes to see the life going on around me. because you know: clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.

ko.